I heard that song long before I was even pregnant with my son, it was written for the singer's unborn son as he awaited his son’s birth. I always thought …someday..... it would be a song for us too. That day happened in the spring of 2001, when I learned I was pregnant with my son and soon after at my first ultrasound we were both able to see that he truly was a boy. We were ecstatic!! To be blessed with a daughter and a son! Our lives and family were going to be so complete and full.

     Little did we know that on September 12th, 2001 we would lose our beautiful son, Shane Alexander Hughes. Our hearts were broken forever in the maternity ward that night, as we went to the emergency room alerted by some spotting and labor pains. The nurses tried finding a second heartbeat but to no avail. I began suspecting something was wrong when the nurses were still unable to find Shane's heartbeat, only mine. They finally called in the doctor who ordered an ultrasound machine and performed it himself. He positioned himself in front of the screen *just in case* .......... well, that just in case was true, my son had died, there was no heartbeat.

     He broke the news to me first, but I already knew what he was going to tell me, I had sensed it all along. He next broke the news to my husband, I have never seen him cry so hard and heartbroken in all the time I've known him. I didn't know what to say or what to do, we just sat there holding hands while they prepared a room for me and left us alone for a few minutes. I was completely in shock, it didn't hit me till after in the birthing room, when the doctor broke my water. That's when I finally realized what was going on, I began sobbing as soon as I felt the rush of water from my body after he broke my water. "It shouldn't be like this," I thought, we had planned to have this baby for ourselves and for our daughter, to give her a sibling and to extend our family further. It was like a nightmare come true.

     This was suppose to be a happy time, not the worst moment of my life. My son, Shane was born September 12th 2001, at 5:30 pm. He weighed 5 lbs. 7 ozs. and was 18 inches long. He looked just like his big sister Heather when she was born, except he had red-ish blond hair. I miss him every single day, and every time I look at my daughter I think of him also, they both looked so much alike at birth that I picture him resembling her if he was still here with us. The hardest thing I ever had to do was hand him back to the nurse and leave the hospital without him in my arms. Children are not suppose to die before the parents.

     It wasn’t until about 6 months later that I knew I needed some help or support. I attended my first TCF meeting and have been going since. It helps to know that I’m not *going crazy*, that all other bereaved parents have felt the same things I feel, the anger, the depression and heartbreak. Everyone is at a different place in their grief , newly or long-termed, but all have been supportive and helpful to me. I can’t praise my group enough. It has helped me to move on with my life, slowly, but forward.

Pamela Hughes

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